The need for a cute-but-I-won’t-use-it-mini-ring-planner gripped me; its size beguiling, its shiny pink cover calling me in. The rush of ideas of how to use it trickled out as fast as they came in. I had no need for it; its size restrictive, its rings a lesson I’d already learned from a larger ring planner to be irritating to write around.
Yet still I wanted it.
If I could write down all that I needed to get done in yet another planner,
If I tracked my time, my tasks, my day,
If I just had one more cute item to keep me organized,
I’d be a success.
But would I?
That one question, followed by a drilling down, unearthed a lingering fear, the fear of chaos. Of the unknown. Of uncertainty. A fear born of failure, of what ifs.
What if I never write another book?
What if I never finish any of the four I’ve started?
What if all I do is spin and spin?
What if I write it and no one reads it?
What if once again I’m left shouting to the void?
It already had happened. I’d already been there. I’d rushed in without thinking, driven by a fear of lack. I wanted to fix something that scared me and instead I broke something that brought me joy. I tarnished it out of financial insecurity when it was never about that at all.
Like my ideas and my stories, a loop of repeating what I’d already been through had me in its grip. I thought a mini ring planner would save me from it, but material wants are cold comfort we clutch to us like blankets. They only scratch that itch for a little while.
I had to fail. Only then could I silence the what ifs hammering me from all sides.
In failure lies creativity. In failure lies growth. I had to learn from it and then get back up again. I’m not a failure if my books don’t sell. I’m not a bad author if I take longer than other authors to publish a book. I’m just a human taking risks, making mistakes, and trying again.
I have a new goal – to embrace the chaos and face uncertainty. I’m going to learn how to be okay with the unknown. I’m not sure what that looks like, but I’ll make a plan.
Just not in that mini ring planner.