December 7, 2022
Week 113
Emotional State: Fighting the tide
Invisibility
Recently, I’ve been feeling invisible. Not at home, since my kid and world builder won’t let me be, but in the world “out there,” where everyone else is. It’s an insidious feeling that has been strengthening as we get to the end of this year.
Can I find something to blame it on? Absolutely. I stopped doing marketing, I’ve been less present on social media, I don’t push my book during the many times I’ve had the opportunity to do so. Yada, yada, yada. But the real reason I feel this way is me.
It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem. It’s me.
If you look at the preceding statements, you’ll see me not doing something I could have or should have. I’m the driver of this circus — they are my monkeys, after all — and if I’m not pushing myself to be out there, of course I’ll fade from view.
But with the inevitable forgetability comes imposter syndrome. Maybe my books are that good. Maybe the reason people forget me so quickly is that I have nothing of value to say.
This particular demon stems from my childhood and has had a hold on me for a very long time. I love disappearing in a room until no one remembers my name, or that I was even there. And then I hate it. It’s the push/pull of my introverted self showing up in the place I’m the easiest to bruise.
My writing.
I’ve not yet figured out how I want to end my invisibleness, although I can feel the tide creeping in toward staying here in the dark. Do I really need to be on social media? Do these people care what I think? Can I just keeping backing up, write my books, and hope it all magically changes without having to do something about it? (The answer to the last one is obviously no.)
Instead, I’m setting a deadline. I’m using December to do some editing and create my business plan for next year. That plan will include sustainable marketing plans, timelines, ideas, and maybe even some creatives. It may also exclude some things I’m doing right now that are about my ego that aren’t pushing me forward in my author career. I need to simplify and focus. This scattergun approach just isn’t working.
And in January, I’m coming out of the dark. Whether I want to or not.