July 13, 2022
Week 92
Emotional State: Finding faith
Life
I’ve had a few imposter syndrome moments in the past week. They all stem from comparison with fellow authors. People who published around the same time as me, people who joined social media platforms after me or at the same time as me, and people who have similar books as me. It’s the same roller coaster ride I’ve been on before, but it feels as if the sounds of the wheels on the track are getting louder and the dips larger.
It started with my paranormal cozy, out now on Kindle Vella. I have a community of people who know about it and are supportive, but the number of people who are following it is a grand total of 1. Now, I love that one person, I truly do. But the nasty troll in my head comes out, especially when you pair it with videos, tiktoks, zoom classes where everyone says you should do xyz to be successful.
I’ve not done xyz, I’ve sort of done uvw instead. It’s there, the tropes, the genre tags, the obligatory scenes, but it’s been skewed or blurred to either side of the ‘practiced guidelines.’ And so I started to question myself, my writing, my plan, what I was doing, and what my next step should be.
I wrote the story I wanted to write to the best of my ability, and yet it doesn’t seem to be enough for forward momentum or success when I compare myself to others. And then I read The Midnight Library by Matt Haig. If you haven’t read it and like character-driven stories, I recommend it. The theme of the book resonated with me so much, I felt like I’d just meditated for an hour after a two-hour massage when I closed the cover.
The message is this: Choose how you see the world. One person sees the car crash, while another sees the paramedic saving the life of the driver. It’s the same scene, but from a different lens. So, how do I change my lens?
The movie, The Field of Dreams, tells a story about a man who decides to build a baseball field in his cornfield because he was told to do so by God. He pursued his dreams and made it happen. And in the drama of his own struggles with his dad (now deceased baseball player) and his kids, there’s a message that I didn’t really appreciate until just now.
“Build it and they will come.” This line covers two groups who will come – the ghost baseball players and the people to see them (thus saving the farm). But it applies to books as well. There is an audience for every book. I believe that, down to the tips of my toes. And yet, I struggle to believe it for my own writing, even though I have people waiting for the next book to come, highlighting my posts on Medium, and appreciating what I have to say on social media.
I can tell myself all sorts of tales for why I’m not as successful as my author colleagues. My books aren’t solidly in one genre or another. I don’t have a big network. I’ve not pushed myself hard enough to make it happen. I don’t know quite how to market my book. Etc., etc., etc. And there is some truth to them, but what I’ve been lacking, what’s missing is what I missed from The Field of Dreams.
Faith.
Faith that my readers will find me. Faith that my books are good and will only get better as I work to improve my writing. Faith that as I grow my backlist, even more people will buy my books and I’ll get more than one fan, one follower, one person excited to read my work. Faith that I’ll hit my initial goal of earning enough on writing to pay for a gardener (seriously, I hate gardening).
Aside from everything else writers deal with when putting themselves out there, this one—faith—is the biggest and most important. After all, if you don’t believe in yourself, how can anyone else believe in you? So that’s my goal for this year. Find the faith in the path I’m on and celebrate the little and big things. Appreciate how far I’ve come and be excited for what’s ahead. It looks like an impassable mountain, but if I see it instead as a steep slope of learning, I’ll get there.
One little step of faith at a time.