January 12, 2022
Week 66
Emotional State: Indecision breeding Insecurity
Books & Writing
I’ve dug into Act 2 in my edits, having finished refining Act 1. Am I totally satisfied with Act 1? No, but I’ll get it on the next pass. I did find that after Chapter 3, the book was very easy to edit. And that makes me think I’m not focusing enough and missing way more than I think.
Maybe the book is in better shape than I thought and imposter syndrome is kicking in. Or maybe not. It’s too soon to tell. I feel good about the story. I’m pleased with the overall shape of it and the bits I’ve added. Do I use the same words over and over again? Absolutely. Can I fix that later? Also absolutely.
I did rearrange some chapters – moved something into Act 2 from Act 1 and vice versa. They’re edited now and I was pleased while editing them with how they went. Until I was doing a TikTok video and wondered why I moved them. What was the reason? What was I thinking? Oh crap. Should I move them back? Who knows.
I obviously don’t.
Another thing to fix in round two of edits. Or is it three? I always get confused at this point between drafts and edits. You’d think I could keep it straight, but no. Anyway, back to my point – I think my plan to move stuff was solid but now I’m overthinking my plot points, which is why I am questioning the move.
The plan is to finish editing this book, take a few days off, reread it, and then edit it again. But maybe I need to do a secondary plot dive. Or maybe I’m making too much work for myself.
I’ve also had fears, dread, the cold chills up my spine about whether book two will be as good or better than book one. That’s a big one. People like the first book. They are surprised at how good it is (meaning they expected an ok book their friend/family member wrote, but nothing good enough to want to read the next book in the series), which adds pressure. What if this is crap and book three is amazing? How do I get people to read the amazing book three if I can’t get them to finish book two?
Why did I move that freaking scene?
I have no answers to any of these questions and even more questions I haven’t put down. And it’s giving me anxiety and insecurity in other areas of my life, so I do need to come to terms with some of it. I need to let go of some, answer some, and be okay with ambiguity on others. Otherwise, it’ll invade the rest of my life and who needs that?
I don’t. But speaking of chills…
Other News
I got my booster vaccine shot on Thursday. It was easy. Local. In and out, no drama. No weird heart palpitations like I had with the other two shots. I thought it’d go well and I’d just be a little tired.
I thought wrong. I’ve not felt that sick in years. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I was that sick. The first set of chills woke me around 2 am. My arm was sore, but the area under my arm ached. I shifted position and went back to sleep. I woke up the second time soaking wet, so that was fun. I went back to sleep. I woke up the third time because I wasn’t comfortable. Went back to sleep. On the fourth round of waking up due to chills/heat/uncomfortableness, I crawled out of bed, dug around in the bathroom and found the tylenol.
As I shuffled back to bed, my husband asked me if I was alright. I said, “No. I’m dying.” I wasn’t dying. I felt like I was dying, but I wasn’t dying, so he gave that statement the gravitas it deserved and fell back asleep.
Three days later, I finally felt mostly normal. I’m still starving and more fatigued than I would like to be, but I’m basically fine. But those moments at 3 am, when I felt like I was dying, and I still thought I could power through calls with my writers brought something home to me.
I am still way to invested in my job. I thought I’d killed those leanings, but no. They are still there. I love what I do, but I have a tendency to live to work rather than work to live. Thinking at 3 am after waking up with the chills, a swollen lymph node, and also plotting how I can get my calls done while expecting to feel crappy is not healthy behavior.
Healthy behavior is cancelling your calls and taking a sick day, which I did on the fourth round of waking up – the Tylenol round. But it shouldn’t have taken me four wake ups due to illness to get to that point. So yeah, I still have some work to do there.
But isn’t that what life’s about? Work… I mean, growth?
Yeah. I thought so too.
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