February 10, 2021
Day 128, Week 18
- Words: 82,282
- Chapters: 38
- Point in Book (Save the Cat!): The Hightower Surprise
- Ego Size: Sesame seed
- Emotional State: Stressed
Today the itty bitty shitty committee is in full swing, not for my book, although I’m sure it’ll translate to that. The book is 6 chapters away from being done. With the exception of the showdown with the Big Bad, there’s not a lot I’m worried about writing. I just need to get it written. But there’s something else I need to do – record a video about my book. And that is where the stress comes in.
As part of the program I’m in, we do an Indiegogo campaign to fund the publishing costs of the book. It’s called a pre-sale campaign and it is legitimately that – anyone who contributes the minimum $15 gets the book. But it’s also not that, because the price of the book is higher than it will be on Amazon. And I hate asking for money. So that is stress #1. I’m going to be selling myself to my friends and family and networks to get this book published.
Stress #2 is the more immediate stress – the video campaign I need to write and record for that pre-sale webpage. I know exactly what happens in my book. I know the themes, I know the arcs, I know the issues and I can’t boil it down into 4 pithy sentences to save my life. You’d think my marketing background would help here, but no. It’s letting me down on something really important. I want to publish this book. I want people to read it and like it. No, scratch that. I want people to love it. To inhale it. But that can’t happen if I don’t get it published.
I can get around the video script. I can write loads of different ways to discuss my book in a way that presents it in the right light. I can do that. I’m pretty sure I can do that. But it’s the shooting of the video that is my biggest fear. Vanity. It all comes down to vanity.
I have wrinkles, a crooked nose that feels like its more pronounced than ever before, and my voice sounds like mickey mouse when being recorded. I need to do this video. I need to push out marketing and promotions and branding and and and and….
But I hate selling myself. I think there’s a real insecurity buried deep beneath all of this. I’m not worthy. I’m not worthy of my friends or family. I’m not a good enough writer to publish a book. My book isn’t any good. It has no value. I have no value. I’m ugly and old and sound funny, with a lot of hand motions.
And there it is. Imposter syndrome, but in different wrapping. I’m terrified no one will want to support me in my journey. So I project it on the video screen or script or pre-sale campaign.
The sad thing is, besides my little pity party in this journal entry, that I know I’m supported. I know my friends and family will buy the book. I have real actual proof of all of it. And yet, the itty bitty shitty committee is winning today (and yesterday….and the day before that).
So what am I going to do? I’m going to write my script and shoot my video and just do what I do with all my writing-I-think-sucks – push it off to the experts to do their thing and get some distance from it. Because when it is done and out there, I bet it won’t be nearly as horrific as I think it is/was/will be.
Life is hard. Our egos make our lives, if we let them, so much harder than they need to be. And that’s today’s lesson, folks! Now I’m going to beat the shit out of my itty bitty shitty committee with some exercise and a nice cup of tea.
After all, if you ask my husband (who’s English), a cup of tea fixes everything. I hope so.