There is a heavy weight on my heart, a thick chain wrapped around my center, squeezing, contracting against my skin. Some of the links are old and rusty, some of the links are recently forged; the progression of the chain looks as though it spent years in seawater, with portions never touching the water and others being deeply immersed in it, day after day after day. It jangles and clangs when I try to feel deeply, only allowing a small amount of emotion through. The chain wraps around and around and ends at a ball near my feet. I could be having a great day, full of laughter and feeling happy, and then the ball trips me up and as I fall on my face, my chains clanking tightly around me, the joy crushed out of me. Some of the links in the chain are mine, created by me, crafted in my heart of darkness through blood and tears. Many of the links are from others, their fears and insecurities, their emotional lashing out causing me pain, creating a link to suffocate any emotion.
To free myself from the ball and chain, I need to forgive, not forget, the emotional swipes of the past. I need to diffuse the emotional power my sad memories have. I need to accept the limitations, at the time, of those who hurt me, who still hurt me, and accept that this is what it is, what it always will be, for them. I’m chiseling away at them, one link and one painful memory at a time, forgiving for myself, not them, each link an unfortunate lesson I learned, the pain that was caused, the further withdrawal of who I am into myself for protection. It’s a long process, one that I am just beginning, but I am determined to break them all, to free myself from the past and spread my wings, soaring into the light. If only it were easier to accept the limitations of others. But then it would be too easy and the chain wouldn’t exist at all.